No, no I don’t want a relationship. I can’t be in one right now. I’m too…fragile. I’m at a point in my life where my walls are so thin, and i’m too fragile mentally. I’m just trying to get through a day where I don’t want to hurt myself, drop out of school, end up in a psychiatric ward, or kill myself. Nobody understands that though. Pain from a relationship is too hard, and it would be too much for me to handle. I’ve felt that pain a lot, and I can’t put myself through that. I’m missing too much of me to be in a relationship, and stand strong on my own two feet. So no, I don’t want to tell him I like him, I’d rather push him away. No, I don’t want to date a guy who’s been in love with me for a year, i’d rather push him away. 

I’m trying to save myself here, and nobody fucking gets that. 

I can’t feel anything. I can’t feel sympathy, happiness, annoyance, hurt, or anger.

I’m simply… numb. 

I hate when people use the word “depression” so casually, or so freely. No, no you are not depressed. No, no you don’t feel depressed because your mom won’t let you go out or grounds you, or because you have homework. You’re sad and maybe discouraged, not depressed. 

Depression and sadness are two totally different things in my opinion. Depression is a constant darkness surrounding you. Everything you love, becomes stuff you once loved. Happiness no longer becomes a part of your vocabulary, and you can’t honestly tell people you’re okay, even though you say you are. Eventually, the darkness makes you turn into a zombie. You’re alive, but you’re not really living. You have no feeling; you become numb to any form of emotion. That what depression is. 

I also hate when people self diagnose themselves. I mean sure, if you are sad for months and years on end, you can say you’re depressed. But because you’ve been sad for a couple days, doesn’t mean you’re depressed. I have to live with depression, anxiety, and self harm being on my medial file for the rest of my life, along with many other people who I’m sure don’t appreciate your tossing around the word ‘depression’ and I feel the same way.  

I just had to get that out.  

I want you to picture yourself as a child.

You’re smiling, eyes bright, smile wide, and you’re laughing so hard.

Your beautiful laugh is echoing through your mind, and you’re looking at your younger self.

If you can’t picture it, I want you to grab a picture of yourself as a young child. 

You’re precious, right?

Now you’re smiling as you look at yourself, or picture yourself. 

Now, I want you to picture that same child, but covered in cuts, burns, and bruises. 

Instead of laughing, they’re crying. 

Their beautiful smile is no longer there, but only a sad frown. 

Their laughter no longer echos through your mind, but their quiet sobs do. 

It’s sad, isn’t it?

You don’t want that for that poor, innocent, and beautiful child. 

You’d want them happy, right?

You wouldn’t want to purposely hurt something so beautiful…so pure. 

Think about it…..you are that child. 

You are still that beautiful, innocent, adorable, and pure child you once were. 

You always will be.

Please….don’t hurt yourself. 

You’re way too beautiful to be doing such things. 

I hope this helps.